EVA-05 Attack Scott’s Sanity!
Posted by Scott June 29th, 2005 | 5,253 words | 21 Comments »
Scott was 19.76 years old when he wrote this!
Howdy folks! Once again I have a little free time on my hands so I decided to write. There is one particular issue I want to get out, because it’s been occupying my mind non stop. 
I’ll be quite honest and say that it scares the living daylights out of me. It’s stupid, ridiculous, and grossly immature, yet it’s been occupying my mind non stop since the thought originally popped in my head three days ago.
I honestly believe I am going insane. I know what you’re thinking. “But Scott, we both know you’re already insane.” While that may be [partially] true, there has been nothing before quite of this magnitude to express my quivering level of sanity. This is truly an unpredicted advancement of my mind (curiously devoid of all logic or reason) to move my body without my will. Let’s see, how do I set this up. Have you seen the movie Conspiracy Theory ? If you haven’t, it’s a good movie so check it out. Mel Gibson plays mentally unstable social recluse who has a strange little problem. Whenever he’s in a book store, he has to buy a copy of the book “Catcher in the Rye”. He has boxes of this book at home because he is simply incapable of not buying it when he goes into a book store. If he can’t find it in the store, he has to go to another store in search for it where he can buy it so he can feel normal again.
My mind is now a slave to this stupid little thing. It’s something I can’t stop thinking about. Like our pal Mel’s book collection, there’s this little object that a few days ago I realized existed, and somehow decided that I MUST have it. What is it? [sigh] It’s something so embarrassing, so humiliating, and so immature that I don’t even know if I can muster up the courage to write about it! It all started a few days ago when I was watching One Hour Photo on TV late at night. Robin Williams (in an attempt to befriend a young boy) purchased a toy and tried to give it to him. This toy (pictured here) is a small replica of the living EVA-05 from the series Neon Genesis Evangelion and more specifically, the movie End of Evangelion in which they’re prominently featured.
Now, for the history. Neon Genesis Evangelion is by no means new. It was released in the mid 90’s in Japan and consisted of 26 (thirty minute) TV episodes. At first the series looks like one of those stereotypical childish animes with big robots and techie backdrops. There is nothing I can come up with to say (and tust me, I’ve been trying to think of something for years) that can express the level of seriousness in this story. Subjecting yourself to it is equivalent to placing your brain into a dicer, running it on high for thirty seconds, pouring it back in your skull, then proceeding to mash it with an egg beater. I’ll be very honest in saying that I would strongly advice people not to watch this movie unless they’re strongly sound in their sanity. It has a way of drawing out extreme emotions in people, including suicide, rage, depression, etc. I saw it when I was about sixteen, and I can honestly say that I consider it the single story that most changed my mind, 
the way I think, and the way I viewed the world. Serial Experiments Lain was a series that inspired me to begin collecting computers and learn more about programming. It made me go from 1 pc to over 16 in less than a year (!) So, when I say that Neon Genesis Evangelion impacted my life even more than Lain did, you can begin to imagine how much this really is. So, yeah, it certainly holds this special little place in my heart ^_^
When I saw that little thing on TV, something inside me said that I NEEDED to find one! I can’t explain it, and I don’t have any idea why. Ever since that moment, I haven’t been able to get the dumb little thing out of my mind. It’s been plaguing my thoughts for three days now! Every morning when I wake up, it’s the first thing I think about. When I eat my meals, I think about it. I think about it in the shower. I think about it during lectures. I have a hard time studying because I keep thinking about this stupid little white toy, and it’s driving me insane. I don’t know why this little object is stuck in my mind, it just is… and I can’t get it out! It’s like, I have to have it. I think once I touch it, I’ll be able to move on. So, what have I done? I’ve spent HOURS of the last few days searching the internet for information about this thing. I even got this intelligent little response from my friend Randy when I asked him what he thought about this inability to let go of such a random object.
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Randy: its fine that you want to buy it, but why?
Scott: I don’t know why. I just… I know that I won’t feel right until I have it for some reason. I can’t explain it. I never liked this stuff as a kid. Heck, I never even owned “toys” growing up. I would get computer parts for all of my birthdays. This is so unlike me! I don’t get it at all.
Randy: I never liked this kind of stuff when I was a kid either
Randy: I hope that when I’m 20 I don’t ask someone the same thing
Randy: but if you want it that bad…buy it
Randy: but it’s a waste of money unless your really going to play with it
Scott: I hadn’t thought of that. I’m going to be expected to play with this toy after I get it? How embarrassing. “Eva Zero Two are you there?” [Scott makes static sounds with mouth] “That’s affirmative base!” “Eva Zero Five – Attack!” [Scott makes explosion sounds with mouth as his eyes get real big]
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What have I come up with? The actual name of this particular character from the Evangelion series is EVA-05 (which, consequently, claims the title of “White Angel” as well). To my knowledge, it only makes its appearance in the final movie End of Evangelion where nine of them descend from the sky and attack Asuka and her eva. For those of you who aren’t really into Evangelion, Neon Genesis Evangelion roughly translates as “new beginning gospel”. It’s pretty much the story of the creation of the earth, and it’s ultimate destruction (and recreation, hence new beginning). 
Such lines as “it all returns to nothing” refer to this final act. The majority of the Evangelion series deals with the final days of earth, as it’s attacked by things (referred to as Angels) with special powers. The ultimate end approaches. The End of Evangelion shows the end actually happening, when all of the universe returns to its basic state (with a lot of ewie gewy liquid LCL). It’s a mind popping (generally ultraviolet) story of humanity and irony in its finest. In the movie End of Evangelion_, five of these White Angels descend to attack Asuka and her eva. ANYWAY (I got way off track) after a lot of searching I found that there are two main models of this particular angel. One is approximately ten centimeters tall; the other one is around 25. Some of these you have to assemble yourself, some of these you have to paint yourself, and some of these you have to use stickers to complete (lame!). Some come with wings, some do not. Some come with the Spear of Longinus, others with the blade looking thing. I totally need the one with the blade! I’m thinking about getting the smaller one, because it’s the only one that I know for sure where I can get both the blade and the spear, and wings are a must. It also comes pre-assembled and pre-colored. See what I mean? I think I’m going insane.
DOWNLOAD VIDEO CLIP HERE Yes folks, I put together a ten minute collection of animations where the EVA-05 units are shown in the End of Evangelion available to you exclusively via this website! The clip is around ten minutes and approximately 30MB so it shouldn’t take too long to download if you have a fast connection. The audio is Japanese (duh) and I decided to leave the subtitles off. Yeah, this is somewhat of a spoiler to anyone who is thinking of watching the series, but I cut it in such a way that it isn’t that bad. From the beginning you know that everyone is going to die. This clip shows the defeat of two characters: Misato (the purple hair hottie) and Asuka (the girl piloting the red EVA-02). 
Believe it or not, Asuka is one character from this series that I find incredibly annoying. Ever since the beginning, I couldn’t stand her personality. Perhaps it was my sick underlying subconscious desire to watch her defeat that made me like these EVA-05 units so much?
>>>DOWNLOAD CLIP: eva05.avi (9:29, 32.7MB)
warning: this is rated US PG-13 for graphic violence and partial nudity
All right, now that that’s out of the way I figure I’ll tell you what I’m planning on doing about all this. Yes ladies and gentlemen, during the course of writing this blog entry I’ve made a final decision on which little figure to pursue. There particular online auctions out there for the EVA-05. One auction sells the EVA-05 unit along with the blade. Another auction sells the “expansion pack” (I feel like such a loser) which contains replacement heads and arms which show body damage (such as oozing blood or brains) and (get ready) it comes with the snap-on folding wings! SWEET!
So, yeah, right about now I’m beginning to realize exactly how much of a loser I really am. And, of course, by loser I mean it in “terms of the world.” For example, any guy who is almost twenty actively researching small plastic toys with the intent to buy them is a complete and total loser. Hey, it’s the bitter truth. 
Whomever has the mindpower to waste on such stupid little trinkets obviously has very little else in his life to think about. I can only write about this on my website because I write everything embarrassing on my website. I mean, come on. Someone already asked “Are you planning on taking this with you when you move to Tennessee?” and, well, I just don’t know yet. This isn’t something that I’ve really experienced before, so I don’t know what’ll happen. Maybe once I purchase it I’ll be able to let it go (and maybe just put it back up on ebay for ScottIsHot fans to buy!) I figure it’s not really that much of a waste of money since I’d be using the money I make from these website ads to pay for it. It might be a thing where I need to touch it to feel normal, then it’s okay. Maybe I’ll be protective of it. Perhaps I’ll want to put it in a special place in my room where I can always look at it. Maybe I’ll play with it every day, brush my teeth beside it, take it with me to class, and sleep beside it every night.
Congratulations Scott, your sanity level has dropped another notch. For the record, not only do I openly confess and admit that this is worthy of laughter, but also that my writing about it will induce such jokes. Let ‘em come ladies and gentlemen. I know the whole thing is stupid. Toss out jokes if you’d like. I might even throw in one or two myself ^_^
Fruity Watermelodrama!
Posted by Scott June 26th, 2005 | 5,253 words | 11 Comments »
Scott was 19.75 years old when he wrote this!
It has become strikingly apparent that my level of insanity is growing at a steady rate. While I’m thankful it’s not on an unstoppable exponential increase, the fact that my mind is slowly yet consistently changing is undeniable. Why do I say this? I feel the following events, thoughts, and ideas for today’s blog entry will make it clear, 
and I thought it would be best to give all of my readers a forewarning of my madness in hopes of lessening the amount of emails I will receive this week whose subject line contains such eloquently written phrases such as “you’re a freak!”
Well Scott, I’m sure all of us would like to hear about your first day of school! Oh I’m sure you would. (I’ve grown to despise the writings of my mind in the second person.) Some of you may be scratching your heads in wonder as to why I’m starting classes in the end of June. It’s actually summer school, but the second session of it. My college offers classes in the first five weeks of summer, the last five weeks of summer, or spread out over the whole ten weeks. I signed up for Western Civilization I over the first half and Western Civilization II over the second half. I just finished Western Civilization I (more on this in a moment) and now it’s time to begin the second class with a new professor! 
I logged into the web-based scheduling program to look up when classes started. The website said it started at 6pm, in building 3 (room 230), and went from June 22’nd to August 1’st. A portion of a screenshot of the date is shown to the side.
So I get back in the school mood and drive across town to the campus squinting for over an hour behind the wheel trying to drive in a heavy rain storm. I finally get there, park, and run a long way in the pouring rain to get to cover. I navigate my way to building three and find the room. I walk in and two people from my class were already there. As I sat down, I could hear the audible “squish” of my wet shirt and jeans pressing against the hot plastic chair beneath me. It was miserable. I could make this a long story, and tell you about the embarrassing dialogues I had with the other people who began walking in the classroom, but I’ve decided not to. It turns out, I drove all the way out there, sat there, and drove all the way back (two and a half hours total) in the rain for no reason. Yes, classes started June 22’nd, but it’s a Tuesday / Thursday class. Yesterday was Wednesday. Congratulations Scott, you’re an idiot ^_^
Believe it or not, I “went out” last night. Yes, it was a coaxed outing, but an outing nonetheless. A guy from my old high school chemistry class and his sister spend the evening with my sister and me. For the last few years he’s (for some reason) made it his mission to try to get me out. It’s somewhat interesting, but a lot of the people I meet develop the exact same agenda. My Physics lab partners Marena and Sergio (pictured on the photos page of my website) often ganged up on me and tried to get me to go out with them. It worked once, but as a celebration after our final exams for Physics I class (we went to a Japanese steak house). I took Physics II with Marena and Calculus III with Sergio, but neither of them managed to get me out (although it was hinted at near the end of the semester, it never happened). Now, it’s two new people. However, they have an advantage over Marena and Sergio that give them extra leverage into coaxing (or in some cases tricking) me to go out with them. They know my sister, and are able to incorporate her into their little plans. Anyhow, I went to a Japanese sushi bar near my house last night. It’s a new place, and last night was the only the second time I’ve been there. Although, surprisingly enough, all of the meat I ate last night was cooked (as opposed to the previous time I went there, all the meat I ate was raw). I have a feeling the guy I went with didn’t really like that sort of thing much, so I swung by Burger King on the way home ^_^
Earlier that night there was talk about seeing a movie. There wasn’t anything playing in theatres that I really wanted to see that I hadn’t seen already, so the talk shifted to renting a movie and watching it at my house. I don’t know how people go to movie rental stores and find things they like. It seems like every time I go to blockbuster I just stare aimlessly at walls and shelved completely filled with incredibly crappy movies. While I’d be lying if I said I never rented a movie I liked, I can honestly say that nine out of ten times I go there, pick something out (almost randomly), watch it (bored the whole time), and then get frustrated when I have to return it. 
I’m sure there are people out there who like renting movies, but I don’t think I’m one of them. I don’t know what’s good! I’ve never heard of 99% of the films there, so I feel so helpless as far as finding something interesting. Earlier that day Kelly mentioned that we should watch “The Classic” with them (one of the South Korean movies that I feel comfortable sharing) so when I mentioned it and nothing better was tossed out it became the plan.
For those of you who haven’t heard me rant about this movie, it’s pretty much one of those stupid (incredibly sappy) South Korean romantic melodramas. I’m sane enough to admit that they’re really not “all that”, but for some reason I find myself helplessly addicted to them. I almost never view them with other people, so I’m always used to watching these sorts of things alone. When I share them, part of me knows that no one else has my tastes. I usually mentally expect (in advance) that the people I show it to won’t really like it, and I think so more and more as it’s being played. “The Classic” is the only foreign movie I’ve ever shown my parents. (My house was without power for a week due to last year’s Florida hurricanes, and with a generator we had a TV that could only play DVD’s, so it was (literally) a last resort.) Anyhow, I’ll only throw out a comment that was made after the movie by one of the two who, in the process of delicately explaining why s/he didn’t really care for it, pointed at its realism by saying “I’m a realist.”
Once I heard that I knew It’d be one of those little things you hear that catches you off guard and, whether or not you want it to, will echo in your mind for days. I knew that this would make me think for a while, and it certainly did. It’s interesting because I so recently began speaking of the subject in my last blog entry (over a week ago (!)). Perhaps that’s why it caught me off guard? Anyhow, check that blog entry out. It’s the paragraph that begins with “As much as I enjoy the stories I watch in these movies, I fear they’ve done irreversible damage to my life.” Notice that, interestingly enough, this is the paragraph where I begin to write my thoughts and my mind spat in my face and rejected to think about it! I knowingly admit and accept the fact that the series of events in the movies that I love so much are completely unrealistic. They’re stunning to look at, just like fine art! I judge art by its beauty, not its realism. Anyhow…
The combination of these two unknown reasons for actions that I couldn’t explain to myself (the ringing of those words in my mind and the sudden shift of attitude in my last blog entry) gave me concern and reason to think in an attempt to sort it all out. I stand before you tonight not as a writer, 
not as a coder, not as a student, but simply as a guy. I’ve partially achieved the goal I set for myself when I began this blog many years ago, and have finally been able to let go of the awkwardness that may be caused by my words. As long as I write truth about how I feel, and as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else, I shouldn’t feel bad saying it. (Sounds like a recipe for disaster!)
I’ll kick this off by backing up to what was said earlier. Why wasn’t the movie considered the all-time favorite movie in the entire world for that particular viewer? “I’m a realist.” Well, that doesn’t leave me very many options. It’s up there in the top three best movies on my opinion, therefore am I to be thought of as a “romanticist”? I’m sure that’ll fit in so nicely with that masculine image I’m trying to maintain. Jokery aside, I’m honestly beginning to worry the more I realize the specifics of how I describe myself. For extra credit in one of my college classes I wrote a brief biography of myself explaining who I am, my tastes in music and movies, and my personality. It seemed like every sentence I began to type I had to backspace and think to myself “Scott, that sounds pathetic!” The last few weeks (specifically the last few days) I’ve been thinking about myself as far as my likes, dislikes, habits, and ideas. I usually write about them in one form of another in this blog, but they’re so often diluted by extraneous words and intermingled with jokes that I never actually realized how disturbingly weird they sound.
I’m quiet, somewhat shy, generally anti-social, and almost never go out. I try my best to write eloquently, but always feel disappointed by the simple inability to express myself verbally in the moments that I desire to most. My tastes are extraordinarily unique and often overly critical. 
I have a hard time relating with people who don’t share at least some of the same interests as my self. Yet, I can “bluff” being personable with the best of them, which is something I often do when I feel very awkward. Naturally, I’m reserved and generally quiet. When I feel nervous, awkward, or out of place, rather than cowering and getting quieter I do the opposite; I become outgoing, loud, and funny. While a lot of people have grown to like it, it’s just not who I am. This plays partially (I believe) into why I’ve always valued a small group of friends rather than a large one. People who would like who I really am don’t have any reason to take the time to get to know me, meanwhile people who do think they know me and enjoy being around me really don’t because they only see my most uncomfortable side. Then, when I finally open up enough to become quiet again, they think I’m mad (or boring) and consider it a brush off. Regardless, I’ve always most enjoyed the time I spent either by myself or with one other person. Most of the free time I have when I’m by myself I spend reading stories or watching movies, which usually all tie in some way to some complicated melodramatic love story. The music I listen to is anything but mainstream, usually preceded by “You’ve never heard of it”. Everything I listen to is soft! It’s either instrumental, classical, opera, or slow Japanese contemporary music. I don’t even share a common language with my favorite singer, Misia, yet I have all of her albums delicately labeled in my minidisk collection. I’ve never really dated, and can’t really think of any girl I’ve been attracted to in high school or college. I always think about what life will be in the future with “her”, but I never seem to take steps to bridge the gap between then and now. I seem mysteriously content sitting in my room curled up on my couch watching sappy movies thinking that somehow, in time, things will change for themselves.
I’m trying to slowly reveal my point here, but to avoid startling people who might be long time readers of this blog I’ve decided to lay it on ya’ slowly. You read that previous paragraph? Great. Now, distill off the connecting thoughts. What are you left with? Quiet. Shy. Anti-social. Always alone. Always feel out of place. Value close friends. Have few friends. Read and watch sappy romance stories. (and cry, I’m not going to lie) Listen to feminine music no one’s ever heard of. Romantic, but dormant. And, when I asked my closest friend (Frankie) to describe my personality just now, this is the (unmodified) response I got:
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Your choice of movies is large. You love the sappy movies that will make you cry. Your music varies to some more sappy love songs, and some Korean/Japanese rap, pop, etc. Girls, well you don’t want just any girl. You want someone who will see and love you for you. You aren’t too determined to find that one girl too soon though. |
Okay, so I’m starting to roll these things over and over in my mind along with the way I look. I always dress “blah” but a nice “blah” so I guess you could say I look more like “handsome blah”. Pretty much, I just dress to at the very least look nice and not stand out too much so I just fit in without drawing any attention, ya’ know? As strange as I may be, I believe I look stereotypically normal in the eyes of strangers. 
Now, here’s the kicker. Keep in mind the various things I’ve been mentioning lately. Got ‘em? Now, I was thinking of the same sorts of things in the car the other day when I realized something so shocking that I almost drove off the road and smashed into a tree. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, while I most certainly do not (and never considered myself to be) a person of this particular group, from the things I’ve mentioned it would seem that 95% of my traits are those shared with members so lovingly referred to as emo boys X_x
Oh great, yeah, that’s totally what I need to be worrying about these days. Before you all park outside my house with binoculars waiting for me to dye my hair black and ride out of my garage on a brand new vespa, realize once again I’m just pointing out an observation. Needless to say, it scared me. Do other people see me as this? I need some help on this one fellas (and ladies). Also, best not start running too far with this either. If you broaden that same logic and think “feminine music, sappy movies, and reads books – he must be gay!” Heh, I’m most certainly not gay, but I am unique. I think everyone is born unique, but teen culture in America promotes you to be just like somebody else you know, so the concept of true individuality seems like a lost cause to a lot of people who, sadly enough fit into “groups”. A justification that may be, but an excuse it is not!
It’s almost midnight folks, and I’m getting tired. I have a lot of schoolwork I need to do tonight, and I’m not going to do any of it! Does that make me a bad person? Anyhow, I’m outta here. You have a good day, and I’ll write here again when I get a chance.
ps: I feel sorry for all the people I’ve had to “ignore” for the past few weeks because I was so busy with schoolwork and other obligations. My apologies especially go out to Pik, Laura, Frankie, Jessie, and Kanya ^_^; I’m sorry!*
More Than Life Itself
Posted by Scott June 17th, 2005 | 5,253 words | 15 Comments »
Scott was 19.73 years old when he wrote this!
Postscript: I apologize for Scott’s behavior this evening. By following the conversation, I believe you can see exactly when his caffeine high began to wear off.
Well, I’m back; my absence around here has been shorter than I expected! Then again, I didn’t really take the time (or effort) to plan ahead and actually look at my class schedules. Believe it or not, this semester is almost over! I can’t believe 
five weeks have already flown by. My final exam is this Monday, but before you get all exciting thinking I’ll be blogging regularly again I have some bad news for you! My next semester starts Wednesday. That’s right; everybody’s favorite blogging protagonist has once again been screwed by the system and has no chance to lighten up. It’s all good though; at least I have something to fill my day with.
I was blown away at the emotional depth of a Disney cartoon! Well, what I’m about to describe isn’t exactly deep, but compared to everything else we see these days it’s all but unbelievable. Robin Hood (the cartoon version) was on TV the other day and I caught myself watching it. It’s a surprisingly good movie, and my sister Hannah (4) had never seen it so I decided I’d watch it with her. A little bit of dialogue caught me off guard though, for I wasn’t expecting anything like it! Robin Hood just escaped with Maid Marian (both of them upward-walking foxes, for the record) and they exchanged a few words. Made Marian said something like “Robin, you could have died rescuing me!” to which he replied “Darling, I love you more than life itself.” Yeah, I know, it was a canned phrase that’d been used before, but it still made me think. We don’t hear anything true anymore! By that I mean that our definition of romance (more on this later) is so shallow and skewed from what it was (or should be?) that we accept such shallow words for love. I mean, look at all of these incredible crappy dialogues that come out in so many movies these days! Robin Hood was made forever ago, and the stuff that comes out today is complete and total crap! Shall we even MENTION Star Wars Episode III? “I love you”, “I love you more”, “no I love you more”, “no I love YOU more.” Is it really that amazing that our modern definition of love is that merely of sex? It’s sad but I believe that our generation’s media has lost the ability to represent it any other way.
Okay, that paragraph brought up three main things I wanted to touch on. The first, is the lack of (what I believe to be) true love in most of the films you see in theaters these days. I often have a really hard time conveying why it is that I love the South Korean films that I watch so much. In the last two years, approximately 90% of the movies I’ve watched were produced in South Korea. Why? I don’t believe they’ve “lost it” yet. While I openly admit that there are exceptions to all of this, I’m speaking in the most general of terms.
| When I watch movies like “The Classic”, “Love’s Concerto”, “Il Mare”, and “The Scent of Love” I’m engrossed in a beautiful story that actually contains and displays love! None of those movies have even a hint of sex, none at all! It seems like in America we’ve completely skipped over everything else that makes love great and have developed a mindset that all there is to it is physical attraction. |
If you’re reading this and are thinking to yourself “Scott, you’re wrong” then I suggest you watch one of those films. If you can’t find one, let me know and I’ll give it to you. Once you watch it, once you see what I’m talking about, you’ll understand.
As much as I enjoy the stories I watch in these movies, I fear they’ve done irreversible damage to my life. I’ve grown to love and eventually come to expect that events like the ones in the movies I like so much could actually happen. I like the stories, I love falling into them and thinking of them as my own! I would love to have them to aspire to in a way where I actually believed that they could happen to a guy like me, but come on, that stuff never really happens. Live isn’t perfect, and I don’t always know the right things to say. You know what? Heck. Forget it. Forget all of this stuff. 
I have a few hours left of tonight. I’m going to go watch one of my sappy movies and no one’s going to tell me not to or make me feel bad for doing it. I don’t care if it’s giving me expectations that could never be matched. I don’t care if it trains my mind to think in ways that no girl on this same hemisphere (much less same city) does. At least I’ll have something beautiful to occupy my mind ^_^
And with that, I cut this blog short. Man, I’ve grown to really hate writing here all of the sudden. Perhaps it’s disappointment, perhaps it’s regret, or perhaps it’s the persistent realization that I write about the same things over and over:
Hi, my name is Scott, and I’m a complete and total loser. I use this stupid little website to try to explain who I am because I never feel like anyone really understands me. I write about what I think of life and love; usually afterthoughts conjured up in response to embarrassingly sappy (usually foreign) romance movies. While I’m quite possibly the most boring person on the planet, I seem to constantly have a thunderstorm brewing in my mind. I want to relax, but I can’t. I need to press on, I have to study! Life can wait; it’s not like I’d have one anyway. I have so many things that I so desperately desire, yet I feel guilt for wanting them because I don’t deserve them.
I’m going to go watch my movie, then study for my finals. I’ll write here some other time. This night is turning out poorly. Bah.
Postscript: I apologize for Scott’s behavior this evening. By following the conversation, I believe you can see exactly when his caffeine high began to wear off.
POSTSCRIPT 2: There’s so much stuff I really want to say right now just to get it off my chest, but I can’t. [edited]*
Love is Tenderness and Momentary Pain
Posted by Scott June 4th, 2005 | 5,253 words | 27 Comments »
Scott was 19.69 years old when he wrote this!
Wow, I have this burning desire to sit down and write tonight! Surprisingly enough, this desire feels somewhat foreign to me. I’ve been incredibly overloaded these last few weeks and have had zero time to write on my blog – the best thing that I have ever created! Technically I shouldn’t even be writing now, 
I have impending tests and homework to complete, but ya’ know what? This is important! If I don’t write every once and a while to dump my emotions through my keyboard then they get all stopped up and I’m likely to explode. So, in simple prevention of a total mental meltdown, I bring you another entry from the infamously unique and assumably insane Scott!
I won’t spend long talking about how stinky my life has been over the last three weeks. As you can see from my unprecedented lack of writing (over 20 straight days – a new record in the history of this website) I’ve been incredibly busy. I’m a microbiology major (and chemistry minor). Give me math, biology, physics, English, anything! I can work my way through it without much problem. Although, embedded within any famous protagonist is a tragic flaw. Mine is the history. I never learned it when I was younger, and I avoided it whenever I could. Now, it’s a required class. I have to take six hours of Western Civilization, so I pushed it to the last semester and am taking the condensed five week summer version for each. Think about it though; squeeze an entire semester’s amount of my most difficult subject into five little weeks and that is my work load. If I stop to breathe I’m already behind! And, to give you an idea at the incredibly boring subject matter, I’ll give you my weekend homework assignment. I have to read an unpublished paper written by a professor at Auburn University (a friend of my professor) and critically discuss it on an online message board. To convey how AGONIZINGLY boring it is, I’ll give you the title: “Color Schemes and Decorative Tastes in the Noble Houses of Seventeenth-Century Dauphine”
Postscript: I greatly respect and admire the work of the person who wrote this document and my current professor. I don’t want to insult either of them. 
It’s just, to me, this is so uninteresting it’s not even funny. It’s a matter of personal tastes. For anyone who objects to my words because they love history, how would you like it if I were your professor and wanted you to read and discuss a paper on Identity and Individuality in Quantum Theory in a servey-level course of general physics? I didn’t think so.
I’m completely, totally, and obsessively in love with DeviantArt these days! Oh man, I had the opportunity to browse art from the last few weeks I’ve missed because of school and there are so many entries that literally took my breath away. Especially the ones around June 1’st and 2’d are just absolutely beautiful. I found so many images that I loved so much but would never work to post on my website (because of their width/height ratio) so I could do nothing but save them to look at later. I really admire the artistic ability of some of these artists. More than their artistic ability, I admire their creativity in conjuring-up images that stir 
up such emotion. So many of them I’d look at and a big ‘ol grin would slide across my face. There was this one hand-drawn computer colored image of a guy and a girl about to kiss with their arms wrapped around each other standing outside in the rain. It was really… uhh… I’m not allowed to say “sweet” am I?
I’m pretty much finished with the modifications I’ve been making to this website’s content management system. I use WordPress for my blogging system and I’ve been pretty satisfied with it. However, they just came out with a new version that bragged new features and security updates. The downside though was that when I switched, my old layout didn’t work. The way my layout was wrapped around non-wordpress controlled pages made it far more complex than most peoples’ solutions of just recoding their layout. A good day’s worth of work later, I got it up and mostly working pretty well. One of the new features of the website is the ability to register and log in. Eventually I want people to be able to login to comment so they can display a picture (of whatever they want) beside their comments and also have a little profile of information and their website so blogreaders can meet other blogreaders. For now though, signing up adds you to an email list so you can get notified at new blog entries right from your inbox! I haven’t yet coded-in the ability to remove your email address from the list so I’m not going to start sending out emails until that’s done. Anyhow, it should be pretty cool when it’s all done.
postscript: I originally (mistakenly) wrote that I use MovableType for my blogging engine. This is NOT the case! I use WordPress now and have for a long time. I used to use MovableType a long time ago but I grew to hate it. Once my blog got large, it was too slow to handle things. WordPress is awesome, check it out. And thanks Sean for catching my mistake!
I’m trying to conjure-up a SIHB radio show for everyone. Unfortunately it still takes a lot of work to make these shows, and all the times I’ve been ready and able to do so my co-hosts haven’t been available! I mentioned the possibility of Dusty being on the show, but she’s mysteriously not been online for a while. [sigh] My alternates are either busy, gone, or have computer problems. I don’t want to side to desperation and just take anybody 
(having someone on the show who’s not right could make it very un-cool to listen to) but on the other hand I am kinda pressed to find someone to fill the spot. I have a pretty fun show lined up though, so whenever it does come out it’ll be a blast to make and hopefully just as fun to listen to.
A guest will be staying at our house for the next week. She arrives tomorrow afternoon, and I’m a little bit worried about how things will go. She used to live in Florida but moved up north a little while ago. If she’s flying down with the intent of having a non-stop action blasted incredibly fun time, I think I might disappoint her with my solid classes and overwhelming schoolwork and my sister starting a new job. X_x Hopefully I’ll have some free time to spend doing fun stuff though. I’m thinking movies might be a possible way to kill some time and have fun, so I’ve intentionally refrained from viewing any for the last few weeks, essentially saving them for us to see ^_^; Of course I have my stacks of embarrassingly-sappy romantic South Korean melodramas, but I don’t think that’s quite her thing. Plus, she herself is from South Korea (adopted as a baby) so it might be a little awkward ^_^; Nonetheless, I’m sure it’ll turn out well. Maybe I’ll actually get out a little this week? What a thought!
Speak of South Korean dramas I watched a great movie today. I still can’t put my finger on whether or not I really liked it, but it certainly made me think a lot. I love movies that impact me to the point where I think about them for days after I watch ‘em, and I know this is will be one of them. It’s entitled “Take Care of my Cat” and it’s not really romantic at all. It’s just a pure drama. Actually, it’s more of a tragedy. As most South Korean movies go, it starts out well and gets progressively worse through the whole movie, only to rise just a little bit near the end right before the credits begin scrolling. I didn’t cry in this movie (way to go mister masculine!) bit it was still sad. It was a different kind of sad, somehow; I can’t really explain it. 
Would I recommend the movie? If you’re new to the genre, I’d say to check out a different movie like “The Classic” or “Love’s Concerto”, but if you’re already into the whole South Korean movie scene then I say go for it!
There was this one girl that I really liked watching throughout the movie. I don’t know what it was that “did it for me”, but something about her fascinated me. I think it’s her voice. Her persona was definitely unique too… Warning: the rest of this paragraph contains information that will spoil the movie if you plan to see it. If this is the case, just go to the next paragraph. Anyway, yeah, the movie is about a group of five girls freshly out of high school (they’re all 19 or 20) and just starting their lives with (or without) jobs. They used to see each other every day in school and were all best friends, but after they graduated none of them had any reason to see each other. The story was about each of their personal lives and how they tried to get together even as really bad things started happening. One girl, Jiyoung, is a character that I’m strangely drawn to. She’s the loner in the group. She stays with the group but doesn’t know why. Her voice is really cool too, it’s pretty low. Maybe I like listening to low voices of Asian-accented women? Compare her voice to the voice of Misia singing my favorite song (of three years) Misia – Everything.mp3 and compare it to the video clip at the end of this paragraph. Granted Misia sings in Japanese and Jiyoung speaks Korean, but it’s the same principal. Anyhow, I guess I don’t have much else to say. I found myself anticipating each scene hoping that it’d feature the most of Jiyoung. I think I would have really enjoyed this movie even more if it centered only around the life of Jiyoung and not the other girls. But then again, this movie goes into the life of everyone. Perhaps it’s just chance that people “connect” with one of the characters on the screen? I know that I certainly did with Jiyoung ^_^
DOWNLOAD A VIDEO CLIP from the movie “Take Care of my Cat” showing Jiyoung trying to leave her group of ‘friends’ after they go to the mall and 2 friends stick together and 2 other friends stick together leaving her feeling left out. Because of it, she decided to go home early. Gee, I wonder what it would be like to feel ostracized by some of your friends’ clumping together amongst themselves and begin to withdraw yourself from them altogether? Heh, I guess it kinda plucked my string ^_^
DOWNLOAD: http://www.swharden.com/tmp/cat.avi
postscript: If the clip doesn’t work then you may not have the codecs. This clip requries the MP3 codec for audio and the DIVX3 codec for video and I recommend playing it with the program BSPlayer for windows.
In other news, my mom and sister (the 16 year old one) were out shopping when they began talking about dogs and quickly went to the level of “let’s get one for the girls!”
(referring to my younger sisters, 3 years old and 4 years old). They raced out, bought a newspaper, went through the classifieds, picked out a home, drove there, got a chocolate lab puppy, and brought it home to some very surprised little girls. Meanwhile I’m still a little reluctant to accept the whole thing. It’s a done deal, so I’m not going to say anything bad about it, but between you and me I think it was a really, really bad move. We’re already up to our neck in sand trying to maintain a household with a somewhat mischievous 16 year old girl, an incredibly rambunctious 4 year old girl, and a 3 year old girl who still can’t really speak English. Our family (specifically my mom) is stretched pretty far maintaining order amidst such chaotic members. I think a new dog is not going to help the tension and stress levels around here, much less a baby one who has to be fed all the time, can’t go outside, and doesn’t know how to avoid taking a dump in random locations around the house X_x
As if that video weren’t enough, I’ve decided to toss an MP3 into the mix. It’s an old song I’ve had for ages but, for some mysterious reason, have suddenly fallen in love with it. Before you’re shocked by the sound of Ringo Shiina’s voice, I’ll come right on out and tell you that it’s high. It’s that screetchy-high voice of most Japanese female singers (especially the uber-famous ones like Ayumi Hamasaki and Yaida Hitomi). For contrast, play that link to Misia’s song “Everything” that I posted a few paragraphs above! Anyhow, yeah, this song I became really addicted to because of one little part in the song. Right around 1:45 the key changes and she starts saying “waking up to the sound of weeping” and I’m like “awe I love this song!” Plus the subject matter is somewhat interesting. While I can’t say for sure what it’s supposed to mean, the story I get from it has to do with a woman’s broken love. The song begins with her still grieving over the situation, and she says things like “love is only sorrow” and she continues for a minute or so. Then she stops singing and the song goes instrumental for a bit. This represents, to me at least, passing time – perhaps the time of a night. The next words you hear from her happen at that 1:45 mark where she breaks out “waking up to the sound of weeping” and I think after her nights rest she’s begun to get over it and has decided to just move on. A little later she goes on to say “Now it’s over lover; let me be!” So, yeah, it’s kinda cool. I’ve decided to not only give you a link to the mp3, but also to give you the lyrics. So, here they are, and the link to the mp3 is right below!
DOWNLOAD: Ringo Shiina – Love is Blind .mp3
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Love is blind, love is only sorrow, love is no tomorrow since you went away… Love is blind; how well I remember in the heat of summer pleasure, winter fades! How long will it take before I can’t remember memories I should forget? I’ve been burning since the day we met! Love is blind, love is without a mercy, love is now you’ve hurt me, now you’ve gone away! Love is blind, love is no horizon and I’m slowly dying here in yesterday!
In the morning waken to the sound of weeping; someone else should weep for me. Now it’s over lover, let me be! Love is blind, love is your caress, love is tenderness and momentary pain. Love is blind, how well I remember in the heat of summer pleasure, winter fades.
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I guess that pretty much wraps up tonight’s blog entry. I hope you enjoyed it. I’d love to say that I hope to blog again really soon, but I don’t think I’m going to even let my mind drift off on such fantasies. I’ll write here again as soon as I get a chance, but with these classes’ homework piling up I doubt that’ll be too soon. So, until I write again, stay safe, be cool, and enjoy life. Have a good one!
UPGRADING…
Posted by Scott June 2nd, 2005 | 5,253 words | 8 Comments »
Scott was 19.69 years old when he wrote this!
I’m upgrading Wordpress, the blogging engine I use for my website. Don’t worry, everything will go back to normal… but for the next few hours things might act a little weird. Also, my “old look” will be back, I just need a day or two to re-code it so it will work for the new version of wordpress. In the mean time, just treat the new (temporary) layout as a breath of fresh air. The Scottman will return shortly!
ps: I’m thinking about doing another radio show really soon!
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And I guess this would be a test of the block quotation system. The pictures mark the first time most Serbs have seen such images and could change the way the nation thinks of the slaughter in Bosnia, where Serb troops overran the enclave and killed 8,000 Muslim men and boys after separating them from women. Several hundred Dutch troops sent by the U.N. as peacekeepers did little more than look on. |
It could also help authorities in extraditing the alleged masterminds of the Srebrenica massacre wartime Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic and his military commander Gen. Ratko Mladic to the U.N. war crimes tribunal, which has indicted them for genocide and crimes against humanity.
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