Archive for April, 2005

Welcome to the freshly-polished window of my mind. Instead of the usual gaze through glass, this afternoon I’ve decided to open the window and let some air in. I’ve long lost the strings of responsibility for my words and what longing I may have had for anything I desire has slowly unraveled as the thread of sanity has been pulled too far. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it has happened. The thread has been pulled too far and now everything is beginning to unravel on its own.

Do you like the title? Being that my collage of bad days began last week, and this is the second day of this week, seven plus two makes nine. Thus, nine really crappy days have been bestowed on the one guy who, already stretched to his limit, is having a really difficult time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Terrible day number nine sounds like “Love Potion Number Nine” and, oh, isn’t that ironic.

Do you remember what I would write about years ago? I was a younger guy and lived my life almost entirely in my room. A far cry from my life today, right? … or is it? Until recently, I thought I had changed. I thought I had taken steps to improve my life, to improve myself as a guy, to improve myself as a friend, to improve myself as a boyfriend, to improve myself as a husband, and to improve myself as a possible father. Yet, lately I’ve been suddenly realizing things that I simply wish I hadn’t. Things that suggest that my actions today are nearly identical to the ones that I so regretted back in time. When I was younger, I remember something specifically that really bothered me. I spent a lot of time in my room, and worked on the computer most of it. People would always be calling me, coming over, or dropping hardware off at my door trying to get me to help them with it. Sometimes they would be nice about it, and invite me over to their house for dinner or something and be like “oh by the way, my computer…” and that was usually cool with me. Especially when the people were appreciative, I really enjoyed helping people out. But, I don’t know why, it always seemed that those instances were so rare. The more time progressed, the worse things got. I think the problem with me lies within me, I take everything too personally. There’s nothing like getting a call from a pretty girl who, for some reason called just to talk to me, but then pops a question at the end “oh by the way my, computer…” And to think that only a few seconds ago I actually thought that girl was interested in me for who I was? Little things like that sting a little when you take them personally. A few instances occasionally aren’t that bad, but the constant string of these repetitive events really began to get to me. I can’t think of any way to describe it other than personally degrading. I came to a point where I began to think about my “friends” both online and off, and I could only think of a handful that I believed would actually be interested in who I am if I couldn’t help them with their stuff. After getting to me to the point where I was completely disgusted with all of it, and never wanting to fall into that pit of induced degradation ever again, I gave up computers completely. I gave away all [sixteen] of my own, and I began to tell people “no, I will not fix your computer.” It was a nice feeling, a feeling of personal accomplishment. Finally, I was able to stand back and fully realize that some people may have used me in the past, and I can say “no”, while thinking to myself “I will never let it happen again.” [smile] “Never again will I allow myself to be placed in a situation where the people who I consider my friends will be so because of the things I give them, but rather they’re friends because, if only for once in my life, I will be able to have those who are true.”

I guess I spoke with shallow breath. While I may have kept true to my words in the technical sense, I didn’t run with it as I had once hoped I could. My friends of today are the few people I study with from school. We exchange favors, papers, homework, and anything else we need. I refuse to keep a mental score of who owes who because I still old on to the [naive?] notion that if I don’t keep tally, it doesn’t matter. Therefore, no matter what happens, I always end-up giving any (or all) of my work away (sometimes with resistance, but always eventual compliance) and just letting it go in my head. My problem long ago was that I took things personally. I now believe that I’ve come to a point where I don’t take things like this personally, but every once and a while it makes me think things over. Before, I at least was frustrated by my realizations. Have I now become so calloused and apathetic toward everything I do that I no longer even care about what happens? Can one simply get used to the concept of living as a shadow, only to provide shade for others?

The end of my semester is approaching, and with barely a week left of classes I’m thinking more and more of what my life will be like after it’s over. I’m nearly done with my first two years of college, and after a full-load of summer classes I’ll be transferring to Tennessee to begin classes at a new college. So, with the remainder of my semester thinning by the hour, I keep wondering about what will happen. I’ve been giving thoughts lately to my “friends” (3 or 4 people I spend time with studying for my various classes) and came to a strange realization. Even though I’m sure they’re the nicest people on the planet, I couldn’t care less if I never saw any of them ever again. Am I a horrible and shallow person? …or is this the apathetic calluses I’ve acquired from the time reminiscing in memories of people in the past I spent time with? Have I actually come to a point where I automatically set myself up in such a way that I block any attachment to anyone I meet, and disallow myself to enjoy their company? It certainly startled me when I sat down and realized “Wow, after my last test I’ll never see any of these people ever again, and I really couldn’t care less about it.”, especially when they are already talking about meeting after classes.

I think more than anything I just want to pick up my ruffled papers and walk away. I have incredible memories from this year. I can honestly say that this year, and this semester even, has been the best four or five months of my entire life. I have so many happy memories! …but all of them are of things that happened when I was alone. I try not to be particularly antisocial, but I simply don’t really enjoy time spent around other people who, for a lack of a better way to say it, I can’t really talk with. I look at the different people I’ve spent time with this last month, no, make that the last two years! Who of them do I relate with? None. Have I met a single girl in the last two years I actually wanted to get to know? No. Am I pushing everything [and everyone] away from me? I don’t know. It’s not a fear of getting hurt. I think that, for whatever reason, in my mind it’s something different. The fear of getting hurt by someone I’ve grown to know is suppressed by the overpowering fear of getting used by that someone.

So, what always happens? I drive home listening to crappy [sappy] foreign music whose words I don’t even understand, and replay my day in my mind while at the same time wishing it would only go away. I come home and run into the arms of some imaginary comfort (usually in the form of a girl who, while good (perhaps even perfect) for me, doesn’t even exist) and close my eyes, continuously listening to music and letting everything go. “I can never be what you need” “I know… [sigh] I know. Just stay with me a little longer.” I’ve mastered the art of letting go (M-Flo loves Yoshika) and have learned to simply do so day after day. I know I can let go, but when will I move on. I’ve tried in my own little ways, but always fallen flat on my back when I tried. “Oh, yeah, I’m going to stop studying with you guys for two weeks.” Yeah, like that worked. Plus, I barely went four days before I fell back on that one. How do I honestly expect myself to be an honorable guy to others when I can’t even keep the promises I make to my self?

Do you have a plan to fix anything? No. My plans at the moment lie simply in the tightrope walk of the next week and a half. I have to study, I have to work, I have to ace some finals, and if things keep going well I’ll end up with another semester of straight A’s. From there, I have about a week of summer before classes resume. I’ll have plenty of time to think my life over then. “After all, what am I going to do for a whole week without classes Scott? It’s not like you have any ‘friends’, at least so you claim.” I wish I could blink-away free time. While it’s nice for rest, free time is purely agonizing for me right now. I’m busy and working hard 98% of my days. It seems like when I’m not doing homework, in class, or studying, I’m eating or sleeping. As long as I have things to do, I can do them, and I’m happy! I love getting things done, I love working hard, and I love getting rewarded with good grades. If I’m given free time, my world crumbles. Without something specifically to work on, I must find something. A project, a book (reading one or writing one), give me something to do. Over the last break I wrote a story. Over this break I’m planning on writing some software. Make me do anything, anything at all, so long as my mind doesn’t become empty. When I have nothing to occupy me, I have nothing to think about but myself, and then I realize how alone I am. I know it’s my doing, I know it’s my choice, and I know it’s because I push people away like I do. I don’t mind feeling stressed, I don’t mind feeling overworked, I don’t mind feeling exhausted, and I even don’t really mind feeling used; just don’t put me in a place where I can feel alone.

I haven’t written here in quite a while, and I feel really bad about it. Today I was having a really bad day (after wasting nearly my entire morning and early afternoon because I was being really, really stupid). A guy from my Biology II class looked at me and said “Hey Scott”. I looked over, ready to hear something that would make my day a little better. “Are you okay?”, he asked, “You look constipated.” Thanks, that’s just what I need to hear right now ^_^ Actually, I think he was right. I haven’t written in weeks, and this is what happens. Writing is my vent, it’s the way I let everything out and can move on. I can let go of things, but until I write I can’t move on. From not writing in weeks, I’ve become frustrationally constipated, and thanks to today’s entry I feel a hundred times better. So, I guess he was right after all; he just didn’t know it at the time. I need to go though, I have about five million things I need to do today. I really didn’t have time to write this afternoon, but I decided that I had to anyway. I can stay up later to compensate if I need to. Just give me long enough to groom my mind and place all the ticks on my webpage so I can continue to live, to work, and dare I say possible even to love, in a near-blissful happiness =o)

“Oh how beautiful is the gift of an unheard song”
[ M-Flo loves Yoshika - Let Go .Mp3 ]
(half Japanese, half English)

I so desperately wish I had the time to sit down and write about things of value… something I have not done for weeks. I’m exhausted, but have no choice but to push on. I’ve gotten to a point where I feel completely numb. Discouraging things happen to me, but nothing really gets to me. I soak it all in, and pretend as if it never happened. I’d rather walk with it than deal with it. I feel like I’m walking in a dream, a bad dream, with the notion that once I wake up it will all go away. It’ll get better soon thugh. I have an exam every day next week, and a week of finals after that. Perhaps once those are over, I’ll finally be able to feel free.

SATURDAY, APRIL 23′rd AT 7:00PM EST

That’s right, I’ll be broadcasting completely live! Details are in the PROMO MP3 and also on the S.I.H.B. Live Radio Show Page HOW COOL IS THAT?!

check it out on the SIHB Audioblogs page =oD

[sigh] This day has been the worst day so far this year. =o( It’s nothing specific… it’s just… everything. The things there are hardly seem to match the longing for the things that aren’t. I have some other things I need to do tonight, despite how badly I want to write. I don’t really know what to say right now, so I’ll give you one of my favorite quotes:

Oh well, it doesn’t apply to me.

I think I’ll leave you all with a little song to enjoy. Yeah, it’s been a pretty bad day for me, but that dosen’t mean I can’t be thankful for it. So, appropriately enough, I’m going to give you one of my favorite songs by Misia…

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD: [ Misia - The Glory Day ] (7.8MB Mp3)

What could Scott talk about for over an hour straight? Well, find out! You can download the 5′th edition of the Scott Is Hot Broadcast (SIHB) from the SIHB Audioblogs page (the link is in the menu on the top right!). I don’t have much time to write now. It’s 4:15am! I’m tired and need to get to sleep; I wake up early. I didn’t have time to proof-listen to this mp3 so there might be problems with it (or uncensored swear words (!)) so listen to it at your own risk, all right? That’s all I have to say for now.

The new SIHB Audioblogs page is on the way*, but not done yet. I mention it in the audioblog. So, when you hear him talk about the special hosting link and stuff like that, realize it’s not quite ready yet.