Man, I had a really stinky day today. I don’t have much time to write tonight either. Uhhgg; I’m having an aweful day! I don’t know what it is; I can’t say that anything in particular made it a bad day, but it’s just one of those days where I feel so “blah”. Maybe it’s because it’s the day after Valentine’s Day? I was asked a few times what I did yesterday, like today in my Biology II class. The professor was like “Hey Ian what’d you do for Valentines Day”, to which I slowly looked at the ground, dug an imaginary hole in the floor with my right toe, and mumbled “homework.” However, that all changed when I came home and opened-up Thunderbird (my email client) to see a really nice message sitting in my inbox. Every once and a while I’ll get an email from someone that says something really nice that just, I don’t know; I guess it simply makes me feel really cool inside. In this case, it made my day. So, diving right into it, I think I’ll quote the main portion of it right here on my website.

Wasn’t that nice? That was nice. [smiles] I was having such a stinky day and Kathy’s email helped turn that around. So, once again, thank you Kathy! I did get off on a tangent last night and I will admit I became more and more frustrated as I wrote. I got it out of my system though, and that’s good, but your email was just what I needed to make me feel great about everything again!

I’m going to need to cut this blog short tonight. I’m feeling exhausted and I have a Calculus III assignment to finish before tomorrow. So, I’m going to wrap it up for tonight. I’m really disappointed too. There are so many things I want to do (like write here, right now) but I can’t because there are things that I’m obligated to do instead. I have this depressing feeling that life itself is taking away my ability to have one. Oh well, I’ll write tomorrow! I promise. :^_^: Have an awesome day! –Scott

Yes it’s that time of year again! Most guys have made nice reservations at a fancy restaurant so they can have dinner with the girl they love and to present her with a rose, chocolates, jewelry, and other romantic gifts of love. However if you’re a guy reading this website right about now, you’re probably stunned. “It’s February?!” Hurry, I’ll wait for ya’! Go out and do something nice for your girl. Oh, wait a second, I’m sorry, you don’t have one do you? That’s because you’re what we like to call a “loser”. Yes, you heard me right. Anyone who stays up late reading the Scott is hot weblog on Valentine’s night is a complete and total helplessly hopeless dorkface. My heart goes out to you though, it really does. I guess for the moment we’re in the same boat. At least I’m optimistic enough to admit it with a cheerful attitude though! I’ve got a fun blog planned tonight, I’m sure it’ll be worth our time. Sit back, relax, and enjoy yourself! You’ll probably learn something new tonight.

“Single?”, the guy behind the counter asked me tonight. I had just gotten out of my Calculus III class and had gone to the library to see about getting a study room where I could use my laptop in the quiet. I asked to check-out a room, but the guy behind the counter mumbled some kind of fragment as a question. “I’m sorry?”, I questioned. “Are you single”, he said slowly. I looked at my watch, and could slowly feel the blood rush to my face as I looked back up at him. My mind started to scream and my chest began to ache with frustration. Here I am, alone at School on Valentine’s night, in the library, asking to get a private study room by myself, and the little dork has the gaul to ask me if I’m SINGLE?! I then realized he was inquiring as to whether or not more people were joining me, and I uttered “yeah, I guess” with a sigh of relief.

Okay, about some flower stuff… I’m a little disappointed in how anti-dramatic the concept of someone holding a flower sounds. I’m guessing that it’s probably because most of the emphasis of the whole act of giving a flower is in the delivery. I mean, watching someone simply hold one isn’t all that spectacular. However that brings up an interesting question; what exactly are you doing when you give someone a flower? What are you saying, and why are you saying it? I guess there are no definite answers to a question like this, because those sorts of reasons vary from person to person and, depending on the relationship, can come from completely different motives. Think about what you’d want the act to say. I’ll bet it’s different from one of your friends, or perhaps even your partner. I guess that, personally at least, the act of giving a single flower is different than giving a bunch of them. A whole bouquet is simply a way of saying “you’re awesome”, while the gift of something less dramatic but more romantic like the stereotypical but always-charming single red rose has a two-part message, saying that I’m thinking about you and that you’re special to me. When you give candy, I guess that just says “I don’t think you’re fat.” Oops, did I just ruin the moment? It was getting a little too ‘cute’ around here; gotta toughen up the image! [flexes]

“Scott, you would be appalled by what [a family member] asked about you”, my sister said while shaking her head slowly. I had just gotten home from a long morning at school and there’s nothing better than to walk in the door to hear the first words out of someone’s mouth saying how much you’re going to regret hearing what you’re about to hear. “Ugg”, I could feel myself shrug as I slowly put down my backpack and keys trying to prepare myself for whatever bombshell was about to be dropped on me. Still trying to get over a lingering cold, I coughed a few times. I’m not sure if it was because I felt like I needed to, or because it was my way of subconsciously delaying what I was about to be told. I looked up at my sister again and felt a smirk slowly creep over my face. In the moments when I feel the most awkward, I don’t know how to react. A smirk is my body’s way of rejecting reality. “What is it”, I half-stated and half asked. “So I was in the car with [this anonymous family member] and we started talking about Valentine’s Day…” I think it was right about at this point where I remember thinking “I’m going to wish I didn’t hear this.” However, unable to resist, I proceeded with the conversation by muttering a subtitle but still-audible “continue…” Kelly looked away from me when she began talking again, “She asked if you were still single…” (“Yeah”, I thought to myself, “this is getting worse”) “…and I said yes.” Hey, that wasn’t bad! After all, I am single aren’t I? For a moment there I thought I was going to hear something I’d feel bad about! Heh, I’m so stupid; I over-react to everything. “…and then she said…” Uhoh, there’s more?

“So does he only like Asian women or would he ever actually date a white girl?” I think right about here was the place where I thought about how much less painful it would be for me to place a gun to my torso and smother the walls with my blood than to have to feel the ache in my chest after hearing that line. I don’t even remember what I said to Kelly after that, I think I pretty much just went to my room in a state of near-shock to sit down in my chair and look out my window with a blank expression on my face. I didn’t even know what to think. I eventually decided that it was something I had to write down and get out of my system. Being Valentine’s Day, I have an excuse as well. So, I’m thinking that I’m going to finish this right here, right now.

DISCLAIMER: Hello there. This weblog is publicly accessible and absolutely anyone who wants to read it has the ability to access it. In the (extremely) possible case that a family member gets a hold of this entry, there’s something I’d like to say. In fact, specifically, if you’re the person who said that line there’s something I’d like to say to you. I’m not at all mad or disappointed in you or what you said in any way! You said what you thought and that is totally cool. I’m disappointed in myself for letting aspects of my life get so out of control that it went to far as to warp the thoughts of other people, and have been living the past chunk of my life painfully absorbing blows from these twisted perceptions of who I am. I’m writing about it, so everyone has a chance to know what’s going on. I kept everything anonymous and it’s all cool with me. No hard feelings :^_^:

Okay, jeez, where do I even begin with this one?! Hi, I’m Scott Harden, and I’m a complete and total loser. Uhhgg [buries head in hands] I don’t know how to start this. Looking back at my “About Scott” page, I see an entry I made in 2002 talking about how much I hate this. I’ve hated this for a long time, and I go through “phases” where I hate it a lot, to the point where my mind is so occupied with aggravated frustration that once it’s over all I feel is tired and empty. Yes, this is really important to me. Yes, this is probably the most important thing I have, or perhaps never will have. The woman who I one day might marry is someone I think about all the time. She’s special to me, even now as I sit not knowing who she will be. So much I do, I do because of her. I save myself, for her, and I try to become a better guy… for her. She, even now, is really important to me, and when I hear such heartless things said about “us” (both of us collectively) I simply cringe in… pure… disappointment. Once again I’m dissatisfied with how I’m writing. I need to do it again, trying harder this time.

Of all the people who will enter my life through the years I walk this earth, the one person who will mean the most to me, more than anyone else imaginable, will be my wife. I know our time together will be wonderful as simply being in her presence is comforting and peaceful. I know that I will love my wife for who she is and enjoy being with her because she means so much and is so special to me. This one girl will be the closest person I have in my entire life; the single most important person to me as long as I live!

“That’s horrible! Who’s saying these incredibly hurtful things?!” In most cases, it’s people whose minds have no idea the pain their mouths cause. Occasionally I’ll get hurtful words from an agitated person to accompany these personal insults, in which case I can usually shrug them off. However, in day to day life, it’s sad for me to try to live through an existence where I’m pelted from left and right with stray comments. “Oh you’re Scott, you really like Asian girls right?” I can’t express my disappointment in words; it’s almost discouraging enough to make me want to completely give up. This is a problem that started years ago, and I left it alone hoping it would go away. I’m now realizing I made a horrible and perhaps tragically poor decision. I should have stopped it when I could; it’s gotten out of control now. I just… I feel like crawling in a hole and dying.

“What’s the big problem?” Consider, hypothetically speaking of course, that I actually did meet a girl I was interested in; a girl who was nice, kind, and pretty as well. Everything anyone could ever want in a girlfriend, a wife, and possibly even a mother… all in this person. Even though she could mean everything to me, how do you think she would feel if she kept hearing lies about me being “obsessed” with Asian women, especially if she’s not Asian herself! In everything I do for her I want to make her feel good; I want her to know I love her and I want to do everything I can to make her happy. I would feel so horrible if she had to be exposed to that. I don’t think I could face bringing her into such a discouraging environment without us both feeling terrible. Being forever subjected to these comments, I couldn’t imagine how she could feel anything other than inadequacy. All because of what someone may have said. What a horrible thing to say. However, even as bad as this is, I think I would feel even more terrible if the woman being subjected to these comments were Asian herself, thinking that the reason I love her is because of the way her eyes curve or the color of her hair or something equally shallow and completely inhuman. No matter what happens, these comments, though untrue, have the potential to be fundamentally detrimental to the relationship I will have with my wife; personally insulting her as a person, demeaning her life as a human, belittling her role as a woman, lessening the value of the most important person I will ever know: my wife.

“If it’s so untrue then why did people start saying it in the first place?” When I was about twelve, I was introduced to foreign movies by a friend. Mainly Japanese anime, I was fascinated by the concept of incredible stories being crammed inside six or thirteen hour long movies with plots that far exceeded the complexity of any American movies I had ever seen. The more I started getting into films for other cultures, the more my tastes became refined. Branching off into other forms of media, I started listening to music from other cultures as well. I settled on what I liked. My favorite movies were always the ones that made me think about them for weeks after watching them. As embarrassing as it may sound, I guess I’d have to be classified as a hopeless romantic. The South Korean romantic melodrama is, by far and away, my favorite movie genre. If you haven’t seen a South Korean movie, you simply wouldn’t understand. They’re awesome! Obviously there are exceptions, but in general the movies have stories that are wonderful! The love stories feel so much more mature than those in American movies. For some reason its ‘popular’ in western films to bathe our ‘love stories’ in frivolous sex and immature adult dialogue. I guess from my perspective, that’s simply childish. That’s not what I want; that’s not beautiful! That’s why I love the movies I do. They’re full of love that’s so much deeper than the lust and passion so frivolously displayed in American movies. So, it’s quite obvious what my favorite movie genre is. However, as far as music goes I’ve found that I most like Japanese contemporary music because it’s easy to listen to, easy to work to (without getting distracted by the words), and easy to acquire over the internet. Over the years I’ve collected a small stack of Japanese music CD’s (and thousands of songs on the computer) and another small stack of Korean DVD’s. I’m always listening to Japanese music, always watching Korean movies, and sometimes indulge in movies and music from China as well. People make their own jump to thinking that, for some reason, this means that I’m especially attracted to Asian women.

“Okay, so it’s not true?” I’ll be quite honest. When I look at a girl as far as becoming interested in a possible girlfriend, I look for and think about things that are far deeper than what she looks like. So, the whole concept of picking someone from a picture or from an image feels foreign to me. Have you ever been in a group of people when you were younger and you’re supposed to take turns in a circle describing who your dream girl or dream guy would be? Yeah, I never had an answer. I don’t have a girlfriend; I haven’t become ‘close’ enough with a girl to know specifics about what kind of person I want. The one thing that has no bearing on the situation is what she looks like. For me, physical beauty only comes in people I know, and when it gets to that point what someone looks like has already been passed and I begin to fall in love with the person themselves, rather than an image that may or may not reflect who they really are. For me, love is colorblind.

“So why do people still say this stuff?” Well, because it’s still being fueled. I’m still watching Korean movies. I’m still listening to Japanese music. I thought that “it’ll get better if I only ignore it” but that proved not to be the case. Recently, I’ve found that this slanderous gossip has been spreading. Worse yet, these people think it’s true; they actually believe it! Traveling from person to person, my problem is getting worse over time, not better. Lately I’ve been finding out that nearly my entire family thinks that I’m somehow obsessed with Asian women, and I can’t put my disappointment in words. I don’t want to put the blame on anyone other than myself, because it was I who didn’t stand up and scream a rebuttal of truth long ago. However I do think that the cause of the spreading has had to do with my dad lately. At work, with his family, or whatever he thinks it’s some kind of joke. When my family went out of the country a few weeks ago, I can hear his voice in my head now telling his family members “Yeah we’re all going to China and Scott’s staying in Florida because he can’t miss his exams. He sure wishes he could go. He really likes Chinese girls!” only to be followed by a few seconds of laughter until the conversation moves on to another topic, almost as if it hadn’t just crushed the most important thing I well ever have in my physical life.

“What are you going to do about it?” I don’t know. I… I just don’t know. I could ignore it, but I’m afraid that wouldn’t help much. This problem is getting worse and I feel I need to do something. I need to say or do something so I won’t keep feeling so bad about myself. I need to do it so my future girlfriend won’t feel bad about herself. I need to do it so we won’t feel bad about ourselves, and I need to do it for her because I don’t want her to live in a place where my lack of past action causes her pain in the present. I need to figure out what to do. I could just start going from person to person, but do you know how awkward that would be? The irony there lies in the fact that these people are humble and completely innocent, having no idea what they’re doing! I don’t want to make them feel bad, and I know that there’s no way they could understand what I’d be saying. I could talk to my dad, but that has the potential to go seriously wrong. Just because of his personality (one essentially like mine) if I don’t word my ‘case’ perfectly, and he doesn’t accept it, he will purposefully continue more often and stronger than before. Anything I do has a risk of blowing up in my face, but I still think I need to do it. I’d feel better having a small bomb blow up in my own face and taking a while to personally recover than I would ignoring it until it gets bad and having it detonate to hurt the relationship I have with my wife. I need to do something… that much I know; it’s what and when that I need to figure out.

Well now that I’ve completely written about every last shred of personal dignity I still have left, I guess it’s time for me to retire for the evening. I feel bad now, as I do every time I write about the subject. I always go to bed thinking about it for so long, but perhaps tonight I’ll be able to think of something I can do to help. Happy Valentine’s Day everybody! And, uh, sorry if I kinda got a little depressing there near the middle. I guess it’s a small reflection how how much this all means to me! ^_^ Have a nice night everyone, and I’ll write again soon. See ya! –Scott

It’s past 1am. I’ve been in bed since 7:45 (over five hours ago) trying to go to sleep. My sinus pressure keeps me awake. It’s horrible; I can’t go to sleep no matter how much I try. The irony lies in the fact that sleep is the number one most important thing I do need. A few minutes ago I checked my temperature and I still have a fever :=o(:

I’m afraid there will be no blog tonight folks. I’m feeling like I’m about ready to die. Actually, at this point that sounds like a pretty good idea. I think I could die right now and not really mind it too much. No, I can’t do that; I have homework to turn in tomorrow. Oh well, I guess I’d best get back to bed. Hopefully you’re sleeping right now, whoever you are, wherever you are. You’re resting in your bed sound asleep on your pillow. I hate you.

Good evening! I join you tonight not as a mask, not as an image, not as a blog writer, but as Scott; I’m human too you know. Here, in my most wonderful of moments, I’m compelled to write about things that I love to talk about. You know how it goes, I just feel like writing about life, love, happiness, and wonderful days! Wonderful days; that is what these waking hours are, are they not? Any day is a wonderful day, and even the most bleak and seemingly hopeless moments of a person’s week can be instantly washed away by the joys of such a day! As you’ve probably noticed, I’m having an awesome day. No, I’m having an awesome week! Everything is going well right now, and I couldn’t be happier. Why? Well, I’ll talk about that later! I’d like to mention a bunch of different things tonight, so with any luck it’ll be more structured and less random than last night’s entry. If I have enough time I’d like my words to bleed over into the topic of next week. Well, now that I think of it, chances are that if you’re reading this website you probably don’t know that next week is Valentine’s Day. Rest assured, I’ll get to it eventually! Let’s just see how things go tonight. So, with no further small talk, let’s begin!

Calculus III class is going incredibly well! Where do I even begin? Last week on Wednesday night I took a test in my Calculus III class. I studied for it decently. I spent a few hours on Tuesday afternoon studying for it, and I spent a few hours on Wednesday afternoon before the test studying for it as well. I did about half of the assigned homework problems, reviewed the notes, and skimmed the chapters. I felt I knew the material pretty well. I went in to take the test, and the thing was killer! I walked out of there thinking “Oh no, I can’t believe I just failed my first Calculus III exam.” I was so disappointed in myself. I wasn’t completely sure of any problems I got wrong, but I couldn’t think of any specifically that I had gotten right either. (this being out of twenty-four) I turned in my test quickly; I think I was the second person finished. Actually, the person who went ahead of me turned in his paper about ten minutes into the test (it took me over an hour) so I’m assuming the guy was planning on dropping the class anyway. Driving home that night I was in mental anguish over how disappointed I was in how I felt I did and I just tried to shrug it off. To make a long story short, I got my results back on Sunday. My score was awesome! Not only did I get an A (94%) but I got the highest grade in the class! The average score was a 66% and only three people in the class got A’s: me (at 94%) and two others (both at 91%). I can’t let this little luck-shot get to my head though, because I probably didn’t deserve the grade I got (because I slacked so bad) and also because if I keep slacking I won’t be able to keep my A. But, while it lasts, I thoroughly enjoy basking in my thirty seconds of fame and quasi-public recognition. I’d better just enjoy it while it lasts; we have a quiz tomorrow!

postscript: All right, so I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Do you know how much other people must hate me in this class? Calculus III is not an easy or fun class; people who sign up for it are pretty much just engineering majors. They try hard, study for hours, and really try earnestly to learn the material and do well in the class. After all, this is math they’ll be using for the rest of their life. Now, here comes this little scrawny punk kid who waltzes in and outscores all the engineering majors. The irony in that is that this is my “fluff class”. I’m taking it for fun! I’m never going to use this stuff as long as I live. Heck, I’m a biology major! I shouldn’t even BE in this class. Yet here I am outscoring everyone. It’s craziness! Finally, it’s happened. You know that kid in your classes who always does better than you do? It’s the kid who has no life beside school and is constantly smothered by good grades and high scores on every test he touches. Pretty much it’s that one person who everybody loathes. Yeah, for the first time in my life, I get to be that kid. As my old boss (electrical engineer) told me once, “You’re ‘that kid’ I always hated in college.”

Physics II class is going incredibly well! I had an exam in this class last Friday. I’ll just come right out with it; I think I aced it! However, I have a little story to tell about it so I think I’ll go on and share. Thursday night (the night before the test at 10:00am the next morning) I’m sitting at my desk at home reading email at about 6:00pm when I hear the reverberating buzz of my cell phone vibrating on my glass desk. I reach over and pick it up. It was Marena, my physics lab partner. To make a long story short, she was in trouble. She had been so busy with other school work (five tests in one week if I remember correctly) and had procrastinated studying for this exam until the night before. She tried reading the chapters in the book, and tried looking over the homework, but I’ll be the first to admit that these chapters were no easy business. We were covering chapters about compression waves, electromagnetic forces, charged particle dynamics, and some other impressively worded topics I can’t even remember. It’s a lot of material to grasp and the book is somewhat cryptic about it. So, realizing that she had fallen in over hear head (or at least up to her neck) in this stuff, I figured I’d offer to help bail her out. My family was still in China at the time, so I was open for the evening. I met her at a Panera Bread café/restaurant that’s between both of our houses, and we studied for quite a while. I broke each chapter up into topics and lectured about each one, hoping that I’d convey the most important concepts. With Physics II, all you need are the concepts. The math works itself out naturally. Anyhow, after a few hours she felt a hundred times better about the material. We decided to meet a few hours early before the test for some last minute studying. We found an unused room at the college and reviewed until the time of the test. She says she thinks she did decently (not incredibly, but at least she didn’t fail like she originally thought she might). Hopefully it’ll be a little wake-up call to reestablish the importance of doing homework as you go so you don’t have to do it all at once. Any how, I essentially gave up my evening to help her out and the next day she politely thanked me, which made it all worth it. Folks, there’s a lesson here! Even if the person who does something nice for you is a guy, guys have feelings too. (We just like to be cool and pretend we don’t.) When you say something nice to a guy, or you acknowledge something positive they do for you, it can really make them feel nice. All right, that’s about it for that paragraph.

Biology II class is going incredibly well! Yeah, so, I just had an exam in this class today. I’m pretty sure I aced it as well. Dang, what’s with me these days? I’m on fire baby! I don’t know what it is. I must be doing something right. I need to figure out what it is and make a point to continue doing it. No, I need to figure out what it is then find a way to patent it, box it, and sell it. I was pretty bad about studying for this class though. I made note cards over the last few weeks and called that “studying”. I guess I was hoping that the material would somehow osmotically seep into my brain as I wrote it down or something; who knows. Basically the night before the exam I was stuck looking at a fat stack of note cards thinking “how the heck am I going to memorize all of this for the exam tomorrow?” Marena (my Physics II lab partner who’s also in my same Bio II class) and I decided to meet before class this morning to try to study together. I appreciated her getting up early and meeting me, so I woke up a little early and went to Panera (I’m starting to think I’ve become addicted to this place or something) and picked up some freshly baked loafs of bread (and an oatmeal cookie) for us to have while we studied. It was nice; I think I’ll be doing it more often. Anyhow, thanks to her I think I did really well on the test and I feel great about this class.

postscript: Have you ever thought about what it really means when you use a casual reference to learning something osmotically? Osmosis is the process where one substance travels through a semi-permeable membrane that has a lower concentration of that substance. Essentially, when you say you’ll sleep on your math book to learn the material osmotically, you’re basically saying that the information can travel through your skull (the semi-permeable membrane) and into your brain (which has a lower concentration of information). Interesting to think about, isn’t it?

Oh man, my computer programming class is hilarious! I don’t know what it is man, computer classes attract the craziest array of different people! (Get it, “array”? Ha!) Being a night class (7pm-10pm Tuesday nights) most of the people who are in it are adults (over half >30 I’d guess). I’d say there are a few people around my age. Anyhow, there’s this one kid who I get a huge kick out of every week. Now, before I go into this, I’d like to let everyone know that I have nothing against this kid. He’s got reasons for what he does and that’s cool. There’s even a chance he may be reading this right now; I have no problem with that. All I’m about to write is in pure good fun, so no one should take this too seriously. So, what’s the deal? I don’t know this kid’s name, so I’ll call him Jake (simple enough). Our classroom is long and narrow, consisting of two main rows of computers horizontally parallel to the white boards in the front of the room. There is one main entrance to the room located in the back slightly to the right of center. When you walk in the door, you are standing smack-dab right behind this one desk where Jake sits every week. Now, since everyone has a computer in front of them, the professor sometimes does this thing he calls “broadcasting” where he takes over every person’s screen and shows them powerpoint slides and such. I (and a few other people I’m sure) know how to disable the broadcasting so we can actually use our computers during class (since broadcasting locks the mouse and keyboard). However, I never do this because I think it’s both rude and insulting to the professor. There’s nothing more obviously demeaning to a guy who’s trying to lecture than the sound of “tippedy tap tap” computer keys clanking in the corner as someone’s chatting on AIM during a lecture when everyone else’s mice and keyboards are locked. (There’s a guy who does that, for real. I’ll talk about him another week though.)

So what’s so crazy about this kid? Well, remember how I said his seat is right in front of the door? Every person who walks in or out of the door is instantly exposed to this computer set up. Since Jake sits here, Jake’s computer is on display. I’d guess there are about thirty people in the class. Let’s count the times they pass Jake’s desk. There’s one when they walk in (1), one when they walk out for break (2), one when they walk in from brake (3), and one last time when they leave for good (4). So, 30 people times 4 passes makes roughly 120 times this desk is passed every night. Now, let me set the scene. Jeff is a guy who looks roughly my age (although he doesn’t look the age I look. (In other words he looks about nineteen, whereas I look about twelve.) He has thin brown hair that’s cut short and worn straight down and looks as if it stays in place without any product. He has a goatee (something I couldn’t grow in a million years) and fairly light skin. I’m guessing he’s some kind of engineering major, but I don’t know for sure. Evidentially, he doesn’t know how to disable the broadcasting feature. Since his mouse and keyboard are locked, he brings his laptop every week and sets it up in front of the computer. His laptop, whose screen is in clear view from the door 120 times a night, is always running perched on his desk. However, for someone whose laptop is always on in class, I can’t think of a single instance where I’ve actually seen him use it. It’s always just sitting there at the desktop. Always! It’s strange. Then again, here’s the interesting part. The dude’s wallpaper is pornography.

Whoa, is it really? Somewhat. It depends on the definition of the word. Dictionary dot com defines pornography as “Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.” Even though this dude’s wallpapers don’t specifically show the very key three or four square inches if female anatomy that would make it “completely nude”, I still consider this stuff pornography. Last week the picture was of a woman (and let me stress the word woman in a way that implies she was very… shall I say statuesque?). She was in a swimsuit (comprised of what looked like some kind of strap-like material that resembled a white tape measure) kneeling on the sand right by the water with her legs spread and her arms up touching her hair. I remember when I walked in I was caught totally off guard and my mind screamed “what the heck is that!?” and had to fight to peel my eyes away from it as I got closer. Hey, I’m struggling to be a decent human being as it is! I don’t need this [stuff] to pull me away from that. Anyhow, this week his wallpaper was different. It was of a girl (perhaps the same girl, I don’t know, her facial features weren’t exactly the ones that were permanently burned into my nineteen year old brain) lying down in sand. The sand on her chest was just high enough so as not to actually expose any “discoloration”, but other than that technically her whole chest was essentially exposed. So, I’m walking by this thing four times tonight and fighting each time to not look at this thing. There’s that little voice in your head that goes “Hey, check it out! No one cares. Just turn your head”, but then there’s the drive to fight that voice. “No, that’s not cool. I’m not a scumbag, and I don’t like the idea of acting like one.” I’m telling’ ya, if you’re a guy in the world these days struggling to be a decent human being, it’s hard! I can’t believe I have to put up with this kind of stuff. Now, if I go to a party or something (yeah, like I’d go to a party), then I could expect that and it’d be cool. When people wear reveling swimsuits or show pictures of that sort of thing at their own house, in their own room, or at a party or something like that, then I can understand that. However, at school, that’s just not cool. It’s juvenilely immature and purely childish. I guess I don’t have much more to say than that.

postscript: Hey, do you think I should say something? I think I could do it. I’d be sweating and trembling like mad, but I think I could do it. I’m sure there are other people who think the way I do. I’m sure there are other people in that class who want to be decent human beings and not be distracted by some dorky kid putting porn on his computer for everyone to see. I know there have to be other people who think it’s wrong as well, and perhaps my saying something will make others think so as well. I don’t know, what do you think?

Okay, I’ve changed my mind about changing my life. You know how I was planning on improving myself by “clearing my head” and being quiet for a week or two? Yeah, I’ve decided that’s a pretty weak idea. I think I need to seek a more proactive approach! Isolating my self from things that cause my problems is cowardly. It’s my way of running away from the things I don’t like. I need to confront these things head on! Rather than not talking with anybody at school for a week, I’m going to make an extra point to have good solid conversations with people, and terminate them the second I feel myself switching into a personality I don’t want to exhibit. Instead of “not blogging” for a week, I’m going to try my best to blog every day for a week. How cool is that?! Also, something I’d really like to start doing is recording my self. Yeah, you head me right; I want to start recording my self. There are obviously things I don’t like about myself when I speak with other people. A few days ago I thought I’d help the problem by not talking to people. Now I’m realizing that that’s just a way of avoiding the problem. Instead, I want to fix the problem. I’ll initiate conversations, record them (with the people knowing if/when necessary), and listen to them privately. Before you people freak out, don’t worry. These recordings will be completely confidential and no one will hear them but me. Don’t worry; you won’t come to this blog tomorrow night to find a downloadable Mp3 of our conversation on the front page. I don’t know, we’ll see what happens.

Hey, speaking of this website I think I need to do something a little different. I haven’t decided what yet. Apart from making all of the links work again (and writing an updated about Scott page) I’d like to do something different with the banner image and also see about replacing that picture of myself. I don’t think it’s such a good idea to put my face beside each of my posts. New visitors will go to my site thinking Scott is hot, scroll down, see my picture, and be supremely disappointed. It’s okay though; it doesn’t bother me. Hey, I’m not hot! I’m normal. I’m just a guy. I’m just a simple guy spending another Valentine’s Day alone in his room watching sappy romance movies. I don’t mind! After all, I got the highest grade in my Calculus III class :^_-:

Okay, I need to get going to study for a quiz I’m going to have tomorrow in that math class. We’re doing fairly simple stuff like finding the dot and products of three dimensional vectors and stuff like that. I should go study; I have a status to keep people! I can’t let myself slack. Perhaps this will be my newfound (selfish, arrogant, and insecurity-ridden) motivation to continue to study hard so I can get A’s in school. Who knows? If I keep this up, I might be able to become a medical doctor after all. All right, so until tomorrow night when I try to blog again, have an awesome day!

All right, I know I said that I wasn’t going to blog again a while ago. A while ago? Who am I kidding?! I said that last night. I said that I was trying to make some changes and I thought it would be good for me to stop writing for at least a week. Luckily for you, I don’t listen to myself. All right, why am I here? I feel the need to pour out the thoughts that have pooled in my mind for reasons I can’t seem to comprehend. Why do I like writing this way? I know that no one really reads everything I write, and that most of my words will get few more than one or two hits of time, however that’s not why I write here. Writing is soothing to me, and when I write casually about myself, my days, and what I think about things, it’s therapeutic. I’ve been trying to do a lot lately, and I needed to start relaxing a little bit more but at the same time get focused even more on what I need to do well (school). I thought that by planning a week without blogging I’d feel more relaxed, but a few days into it I already began to have withdrawals. So, with no plan or direction to guide me tonight, I’ll pretty much just write about whatever comes to mind. I hope you enjoy it.

Why do I write? Well, I feel better. I feel better about myself, I feel better about what I do, and I feel about other people as well. No matter what happens outside of my room, no matter what mean things were spoken of me, no matter how bad my day is going, I can always come here, sit down, write about anything I want, and feel better instantly. You know how sometimes you have a craving for a pure and simple conversation with another person, but when you get into a situation where you’re talking with someone you feel rushed or never know what to say? Or, worse yet, perhaps your mind goes blank and your tongue goes numb as you say pointless little phrases that make you look and feel like an idiot. This is how I feel. It isn’t how I always feel, but it’s most often how I feel. My personal disappointment doesn’t hit until afterwards, sitting in class or driving home. It’s like, there this awesome “me” that I love and watch to be, but whenever I’m in a situation where I feel uncomfortable (practically every situation where I’m “around people”) my mind switches gears and words begin to spew from my mouth in the language of a personality that’s simply not my own. I’m really dissatisfied with the way I communicate in public. I wish I could change it. I want to change it. I’m trying to change it. I’m moving things around in my life to see their effects on my personality. Once again, there’s this great “me” I want to come out, and I’m having a hard time doing that in public. I originally thought I’d see what happens if I instantly stop all public socialization for a week or two (only talk to people about school and avoid situations where I’ll make small-talk). I also thought I’d combine that with other things like not watching TV, spending more hours studying in the library, and not writing anymore.

Yes, that’s what I said; I thought about not writing anymore*. I know that the reason I’m not who I want to be is because something’s holding me back. I’ve made such wonderful progress over the last year or so. Thankfully I’m able to view my own life from a perpendicular standpoint and be able to realize that I’ve fallen into a ditch and will require work to get out. Something’s holding me back; I know it. I simply have to find out what it is. Like I said, I’m putting my money on the fact that it’s got something to do with other people (or at least my interactions with them). I thought for a little bit that my writing was the thing that was holding me back, but I no longer think that’s the case. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I think that by writing slowly and taking slightly more time to think about what I say really benefits me and helps me become who I want to be. Do you see me now? I’m great. If I could be like this, this relaxed, this confident, and this happy… all the time… I would be perfect! But this is never the case. Whenever I’m out, I’m always nervous (especially around people), unconfident (especially around people), and uncomfortable (especially around people). When I think about the last few years of my life, my happiest moments are those I spend by myself (writing! Go figure?). I just, I can’t explain it. It’s so peaceful for me. So, writing’s back. I’m going to try to act like the real me more often in public, and to do that I’m going to try to remain alone in public for another week or so. I can’t explain why, I don’t know if it will help, but I feel it’s just something I have to do to clear my mind and perhaps be able to come back with a little more sanity in my step.