Archive for August, 2003

Interesting night this was. Before I lay out what happened, I’d might as well provide a brief background for those who’ve been in a COMA for the last 2 years.

I used to run at night. It helps me sleep better. My parents noticed my running. I was placed on a track team by my parents to ‘help me socially’. I did not want to be on a track team. I was in track for two years. Though I disliked almost every aspect about it (the 4 hours it took out of every weekday and the all day saturday meets, not to mention the running itself) I did it without resisting. Oh, I tried. However my parents found ways to eat at me from behind when I tried to pull away from it. I didn’t have much choice, I was locked in. I put up that face I talked about earlier. The one most dominant on “the third chapter of my life” (past post, a month or two ago). I realized that when people knew I didn’t want to be there they made a big deal out of it and always glanced at me and tried to do things to make me have fun. This, I hated. I can’t describe to you how frustrating it is to just want to sit and let time pass by and have someone (parent and/or parent-instructed child) try to sit down and talk to me about who knows what to “cheer me up”. The experience did “help me socially” because I started diving into the workings of my own mind. I remember the day while sitting in the grass that I realized that I can change the way I act to control people around me. (This ties in with the whole misia story, that you should read). Act happy, outgoing, throw out jokes, and people don’t mess with you =o) It’s such a hard thing to do when you’re somewhere you don’t want to be, but if you put a lot of thought into the way you phrase your sentences and the way you move your body to try to match the character you’re creating within yourself – you completely forget about where you are or what else you could be doing. These grasses were the birthplace of Misia, in my mind, for a few monts before she was released into the world. Anyhow, most of the “newer” track people had no clue that I even remotely disliked the whole thing. This worked out well, for I was treated like any other, and the akwardness of knowing people knew what you were thinking wore off. Yet again, control the face you show to other people, and you can control what they think – since the thoughts that flow through their minds are build on information they get from your outward appearance and the things you say. Luckily, they’re both easy to ’spoof’, if you will. And if you ’spoof’ it long enough – no one can tell the difference. Anyhow, moving on.

My parents have become close with some of the families on the track team. My family has become close with lots of the members of the track team. My sister is also on the track team, so in her name, they supported the track team by throwing multiple “track parties” at my house. I seemed to do well, ’spoofing’ a lot of my time in the field or wherever. But I had a really hard time mentally processing that these people would hang out in my room. As it was happening, it wasn’t so bad – but shortly thereafter it’d give me that “sick to your stomach” feeling. I still don’t know why it bothers me so much, but it’s one of those things I can’t seem to shrug off.

Anyway, track team came over tonight. The guys left a few hours ago, the girls are spending the night. (my door is closed, locked, and will remain that way thank you.) I got some very unique lines spoken to me tonight. Some from my family, some from the track team members, little things they probably don’t even remember saying, but are somehow echoing in my mind.

I was originally planning to write about what happened tonight and the things that were said to me that seemed to have affected me strangely, but I couldn’t think of a way to write it so it wouldn’t hurt someone if they read it. While I’m at it, I’d like to address those of you who may be affiliated with the track team in saying that I don’t hold anything bad aginst you or anything about the track team. It was all me, in my mind, that caused me to take the experiences the way I did. So, don’t feel bad, honestly, I have to say I’m glad it worked out that way. I’m glad to have the experiences I did, to have learned what I did about myself, glad to realize what I did about other people, and glad that I went through it all without any serious complications… Except Misia, whom I strongly believe was a byproduct of the whole track thing. I have to admit that at this point of my writing I’ve lost focous and would be best stopping. As I close countless other postings, “if you haven’t read about misia, you should”. Goodnight

I resisted! Today I became bored and thought about making a new layout. But NO*! You know what I did? I forced myself to add [i]content[/i] instead. And ya’ know what? I had fun! Check out what I made: